Julius Caesar DKC Style Act V
by Alex Sambora
Summary: The fifth and final act of DKC Julius Caesar.
1. Act V, Scene I

Disclaimer: Thank god this is the last act.

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

XxXxXxXxX

Act V, Scene I

XxXxXxXxX

Enter Swanky, Funky, and their army.

**Swanky:** Now, Funky, our hopes are answerèd.

You said the enemy would not come down

But keep the hills and upper regions.

It proves not so. Their battles are at hand.

They mean to warn us at Philippi here,

Answering before we do demand of them.

**Funky: **Tut, I am in their bosoms, and I know

Wherefore they do it. They could be content

To visit other places, and come down

With fearful bravery, thinking by this face

To fasten in our thoughts that they have courage.

But 'tis not so.

_Enter a messenger._

**Messenger: **Prepare you, generals.

The enemy comes on in gallant show.

Their bloody sign of battle is hung out,

And something to be done immediately.

**Funky: **Swanky, lead your battle softly on,

Upon the left hand of the even field.

**Swanky: **Upon the right hand I. Keep thou the left.

**Funky: **Why do you cross me in this exigent?

**Swanky: **I do not cross you. But I will do so.

_The sound of soldiers marching, and a drum. Diddy and Wrinkly enter with their army, which includes Kritter, Tiny, and Cranky._

**Diddy: **They stand and would have parley.

**Wrinkly: **Stand fast, Cranky. We must out and talk.

**Swanky:** Funky, shall we give sign of battle?

**Funky: **No, Kong, we will answer on their charge.

Make forth. The generals would have some words.

**Swanky: **_**(to his army)**_ Stir not until the signal.

**Diddy: **Words before blows. Is it so, countrymen?

**Swanky: **Not that we love words better, as you do.

**Diddy: **Good words are better than bad strokes, Swanky.

**Funky: **In your bad strokes, Diddy, you give good words.

Witness the hole you made in DK's heart,

Crying "Long live, hail, DK!"

**Wrinkly:** Funky,

The posture of your blows are yet unknown.

But for your words, they rob the Hybla bees

And leave them honeyless.

**Funky: **Not stingless too?

**Diddy: **Oh, yes, and soundless too.

For you have stol'n their buzzing, Funky,

And very wisely threat before you sting.

**Funky: **Villains, you did not so when your vile daggers

Hacked one another in the sides of DK.

You showed your teeth like apes, and fawned like hounds,

And bowed like bondmen, kissing DK's feet,

Whilst damnèd Lanky, like a cur, behind

Struck DK on the neck. O you flatterers!

**Wrinkly: **Flatterers?—Now, Diddy, thank yourself.

This tongue had not offended so today

If I might have ruled.

**Swanky: **Come, come, the cause. If arguing make us sweat,

The proof of it will turn to redder drops.

(draws his sword) Look, I draw a sword against conspirators.

When think you that the sword goes up again?

Never, till DK's three and thirty wounds

Be well avenged, or till another Kong's

Have added slaughter to the sword of traitors.

**Diddy: **Kong, thou canst not die by traitors' hands

Unless thou bring'st them with thee.

**Swanky: **So I hope.

I was not born to die on Diddy's sword.

**Diddy: **O, if thou wert the noblest of thy strain,

Young man, thou couldst not die more honorable.

**Wrinkly: **A peevish schoolboy, worthless of such honor,

Joined with a masker and a reveler!

**Funky: **Old Wrinkly still.

**Swanky: **Come, Funky, away.—

Defiance, traitors, hurl we in your teeth.

If you dare fight today, come to the field.

If not, when you have stomachs.

_Swanky, Funky, and their army exit._

**Wrinkly: **Why, now, blow wind, swell billow, and swim bark!

The storm is up and all is on the hazard.

**Diddy: **Ho, Kritter, hark, a word with you.

**Kritter: **_**(stands forth)**_ My lord?

_Diddy and Kritter converse to the side._

**Wrinkly: **Tiny!

**Tiny:** _**(stands forth) **_What says my general?

**Wrinkly: **Tiny,

This is my birthday, as this very day

Was Caia born. Give me thy hand, Tiny.

Be thou my witness that against my will,

As Pompey was, am I compelled to set

Upon one battle all our liberties.

You know that I held Epicurus strong

And his opinion. Now I change my mind,

And partly credit things that do presage.

Coming from Sardis, on our former ensign

Two mighty eagles fell, and there they perched,

Gorging and feeding from our soldiers' hands,

Who to Philippi here consorted us.

This morning are they fled away and gone,

And in their steads do ravens, crows, and kites

Fly o'er our heads and downward look on us

As we were sickly prey. Their shadows seem

A canopy most fatal, under which

Our army lies, ready to give up the ghost.

**Tiny: **Believe not so.

**Wrinkly: **I but believe it partly,

For I am fresh of spirit and resolved

To meet all perils very constantly.

**Diddy: **_**(returning with Kritter)**_ Even so, Kritter.

**Wrinkly: **Now, most noble Diddy,

The gods today stand friendly that we may,

Lovers in peace, lead on our days to age.

But since the affairs of men rest still incertain,

Let's reason with the worst that may befall.

If we do lose this battle, then is this

The very last time we shall speak together.

What are you then determinèd to do?

**Diddy: **Even by the rule of that philosophy

By which I did blame Cato for the death

Which he did give himself (I know not how,

But I do find it cowardly and vile,

For fear of what might fall, so to prevent

The time of life), arming myself with patience

To stay the providence of some high powers

That govern us below.

**Wrinkly: **Then if we lose this battle

You are contented to be led in triumph

Thorough the streets of Rome?

**Diddy: **No, Wrinkly, no. Think not, thou noble Roman,

That ever Diddy will go bound to Rome.

He bears too great a mind. But this same day

Must end that work the Ides of March begun.

And whether we shall meet again I know not.

Therefore our everlasting farewell take.

Forever and forever farewell, Wrinkly.

If we do meet again, why, we shall smile.

If not, why then this parting was well made.

**Wrinkly: **Forever and forever farewell, Diddy.

If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed.

If not, 'tis true this parting was well made.

**Diddy:** Why then, lead on. Oh, that a man might know

The end of this day's business ere it come!

But it sufficeth that the day will end,

And then the end is known.—Come, ho! Away!

_Everyone exits._


	2. Act V, Scene II

Disclaimer: Again.

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

XxXxXxXxX

Act V, Scene II

XxXxXxXxX

_Battle noises are heard as Diddy and Tiny enter._

**Diddy: **Ride, ride, Tiny, ride, and give these bills

Unto the legions on the other side.

_Faint sounds of battle._

**Diddy: **Let them set on at once, for I perceive

But cold demeanor in Swanky's wing,

And sudden push gives them the overthrow.

Ride, ride, Tiny. Let them all come down.

_They exit in opposite directions._


	3. Act V, Scene III

Disclaimer: And again...

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

Strato-Timber

Young Cato-Stripped Kremling (referred to in name as Zippy)

Labio-Orange Kremling (referred to in name as Leaf)

Flavio-Yellow Kremling (referred to in name as Amarillo)

XxXxXxXxX

Act V, Scene III

XxXxXxXxX

_Sounds of battle as Wrinkly and Cranky enter._

**Wrinkly: **O, look, Cranky, look, the villains fly!

Myself have to mine own turned enemy.

This ensign here of mine was turning back.

I slew the coward and did take it from him.

(indicates her standard)

**Cranky: **O Wrinkly, Diddy gave the word too early,

Who, having some advantage on Swanky,

Took it too eagerly. His soldiers fell to spoil,

Whilst we by Antony are all enclosed.

_Squwaks enters._

**Squwaks: **Fly further off, my lord, fly further off.

Funky is in your tents, my lord.

Fly, therefore, noble Wrinkly, fly far off.

**Wrinkly: **This hill is far enough.—Look, look, Cranky.

Are those my tents where I perceive the fire?

**Cranky: **They are, my lord.

**Wrinkly: **Cranky, if thou lovest me,

Mount thou my horse, and hide thy spurs in him

Till he have brought thee up to yonder troops

And here again, that I may rest assured

Whether yond troops are friend or enemy.

**Cranky: **I will be here again, even with a thought.

_Cranky exits._

**Wrinkly: **Go, Squwaks, get higher on that hill.

My sight was ever thick. Regard Cranky,

And tell me what thou notest about the field.

_Squwaks ascends the hill._

**Wrinkly: **This day I breathed first. Time is come round,

And where I did begin, there shall I end.

My life is run his compass.

_**(to Squwaks)**_ Sirrah, what news?

**Squwaks: **_**(above)**_ O my lord!

**Wrinkly: **What news?

**Squwaks: **_**(above)**_ Cranky is enclosèd round about

With horsemen, that make to him on the spur.

Yet he spurs on. Now they are almost on him.

Now, Titinius. Now some light. Oh, he lights too.

He's ta'en.

_A shout offstage._

**Squwaks: **And, hark! They shout for joy.

**Wrinkly: **Come down, behold no more.

Oh, coward that I am, to live so long

To see my best friend ta'en before my face!

_She wipes the tears forming in her eyes away as Squwaks returns._

**Wrinkly: **Come hither, sirrah.

In Parthia did I take thee prisoner.

And then I swore thee, saving of thy life,

That whatsoever I did bid thee do,

Thou shouldst attempt it. Come now, keep thine oath.

_**(gives her sword to Squwaks)**_

Now be a free man, and with this good sword

That ran through DK's bowels, search this bosom.

Stand not to answer. Here take thou the hilts

And, when my face is covered, as 'tis now,

Guide thou the sword.

_Squwaks stabbs Wrinkly._

**Wrinkly: **DK, thou art revenged,

Even with the sword that killed thee.

_**(dies)**_

**Squwaks: **So I am free. Yet would not so have been,

Durst I have done my will. O Wrinkly,

Far from this country Squwaks shall run,

Where never Roman shall take note of him.

_He exits and Cranky and Tiny enter._

**Tiny: **It is but change, Cranky, for Swanky

Is overthrown by noble Diddy's power,

As Wrinkly's legions are by Funky.

**Cranky: **These tidings will well comfort Wrinkly.

**Tiny: **Where did you leave her?

**Cranky: **All disconsolate,

With Squwaks her bondman on this hill.

**Tiny: **Is not that her that lies upon the ground?

**Cranky: **She lies not like the living. O my heart!

**Tiny: **Is not that she?

**Cranky: **No, this was she, Tiny,

But Wrinkly is no more. O setting sun,

As in thy red rays thou dost sink tonight,

So in his red blood Wrinkly's day is set.

The sun of Rome is set. Our day is gone.

Clouds, dews, and dangers come! Our deeds are done.

Mistrust of my success hath done this deed.

**Tiny: **Mistrust of good success hath done this deed.

O hateful error, melancholy's child,

Why dost thou show to the apt thoughts of men

The things that are not? O error, soon conceived,

Thou never comest unto a happy birth

But kill'st the mother that engendered thee!

**Cranky: **What, Squwaks! Where art thou, Squwaks!

**Tiny: **Seek him, Cranky, whilst I go to meet

The noble Diddy, thrusting this report

Into his ears. I may say "thrusting" it,

For piercing steel and darts envenomèd

Shall be as welcome to the ears of Diddy

As tidings of this sight.

**Cranky: **Hie you, tiny,

And I will seek for Squwaks the while.

_Tiny exits._

**Cranky: **Why didst thou send me forth, brave Wrinkly?

Did I not meet thy friends? And did not they

Put on my brows this wreath of victory

And bid me give it thee? Didst thou not hear their shouts?

Alas, thou hast misconstrued everything!

But, hold thee, take this garland on thy brow.

Thy Diddy bid me give it thee, and I

Will do his bidding.

_**(lays wreath on Wrinkly's head)**_ Diddy, come apace,

And see how I regarded Caia Ryn.

—By your leave, gods, this is a Roman's part.

Come, Wrinkly's sword, and find mine heart.

_**(stabs himself with Wrinkly's sword and dies)**_

_Sounds of battle. Diddy, Tiny, Stripped Kremling, Timber, White Kremling, Kritter, Orange Kremling, and Yellow Kremling enter._

**Diddy: **Where, where, Tiny doth her body lie?

**Tiny: **Lo, yonder, and Cranky mourning it.

**Diddy: **Cranky's face is upward.

**Stripped Kremling: **He is slain.

**Diddy: **O Donkey Kong, thou art mighty yet!

Thy spirit walks abroad and turns our swords

In our own proper entrails.

**SK: **Brave Cranky!—

Look whe 'er he have not crowned dead Wrinkly.

**Diddy: **Are yet two Romans living such as these?

—The last of all the Romans, fare thee well!

It is impossible that ever Rome

Should breed thy fellow.—Friends, I owe more tears

To this dead man than you shall see me pay.

—I shall find time, Wrinkly, I shall find time.

—Come, therefore, and to Thasos send her body.

Her funerals shall not be in our camp,

Lest it discomfort us.—Kritter, come.—

And come, young Zippy, Let us to the field.

—Leaf and Amarillo, set our battles on.

—'Tis three o'clock, and, Romans, yet ere night

We shall try fortune in a second fight.


	4. Act V, Scene IV

Disclaimer: Oh thank god there's only one scene after this left!

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

Strato-Timber

Young Cato-Stripped Kremling (referred to in name as Zippy)

Labio-Orange Kremling (referred to in name as Leaf)

Flavio-Yellow Kremling (referred to in name as Amarillo)

XxXxXxXxX

Act V, Scene IV

XxXxXxXxX

_Sounds of battle. Diddy, Tiny, Stripped Kremling, Kritter, and Yellow Kremling enter._

**Diddy: **Yet, countrymen, O, yet hold up your heads!

_Diddy, Tiny, and Yellow Kremling exit._

**Stripped Kremling: **What bastard doth not? Who will go with me?

I will proclaim my name about the field.

I am the son of Marcus Cato, ho!

A foe to tyrants, and my country's friend.

I am the son of Marcus Cato, ho!

_Funky and Swanky's soldiers enter and fight._

**Kritter: **And I am Prosculus, diddymus Porsculus, I!

Prosculus, my country's friend. Know me for Prosculus!

_Soldiers kill Stripped Kremling._

**Kritter: **O young and noble Cato, art thou down?

Why, now thou diest as bravely as Cranky,

And mayst be honored, being Cato's son.

**First soldier:** _**(to Kritter)**_ Yield, or thou diest.

**Kritter: **Only I yield to die.

There is so much that thou wilt kill me straight.

Kill Diddy, and be honored in his death.

**First soldier: **We must not. A noble prisoner!

_Funky enters._

**Second soldier: **Room, ho! Tell Funky Diddy is ta'en.

**First soldier: **I'll tell the news. Here comes the general.

—Diddy is ta'en, Diddy is ta'en, my lord.

**Funky: **Where is he?

**Kritter: **Safe, Funky. Diddy is safe enough.

I dare assure thee that no enemy

Shall ever take alive the noble Diddy.

The gods defend him from so great a shame!

When you do find him, or alive or dead,

He will be found like Diddy, like himself.

**Funky: **_**(to soldiers)**_ This is not Diddy, friend, but, I assure you,

A prize no less in worth. Keep this man safe.

Give him all kindness. I had rather have

Such men my friends than enemies. Go on,

And see whether Diddy be alive or dead.

And bring us word unto Swanky's tent

How everything is chanced.

_They exit in opposite directions._


	5. Act V, Scene V

Disclaimer: OK, so for the very last time I don't own the play or the game!

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

Strato-Timber

Young Cato-Stripped Kremling (referred to in name as Zippy)

Labio-Orange Kremling (referred to in name as Leaf)

Flavio-Yellow Kremling (referred to in name as Amarillo)

XxXxXxXxX

Act V, Scene V

XxXxXxXxX

_Diddy, Blue Kremling, Brown Kremling, Timber, and White Kremling enter._

**Diddy: **Come, poor remains of friends, rest on this rock.

**Brown Kremling: **Statilius showed the torchlight but, my lord,

He came not back. He is or ta'en or slain.

**Diddy: **Sit thee down, Dirt. Slaying is the word.

It is a deed in fashion. Hark thee, Dirt.

_**(whispers to Brown Kremling)**_

**BrK:** What, I, my lord? No, not for all the world.

**Diddy: **Peace then! No words.

**BrK: **I'll rather kill myself.

**Diddy: **Hark thee, Ocean.

_**(whispers to Blue Kremling)**_

**BlK:** Shall I do such a deed?

**BrK:** O Ocean!

**BlK:** O Dirt!

**BrK:**_** (aside to Blue Kremling)**_

What ill request did Diddy make to thee?

**BlK: **_**(aside to Brown Kremling)**_

To kill him, Dirt. Look, he meditates.

**BrK: **_**(aside to Blue Kremling)**_Now is that noble vessel full of grief,

That it runs over even at his eyes.

**Diddy: **Come hither, good Cloud. List a word.

**White Kremling: **What says my lord?

**Diddy: **Why this, Cloud:

The ghost of DK hath appeared to me

Two several times by night. At Sardis once,

And this last night here in Philippi fields.

I know my hour is come.

**WK: **Not so, my lord.

**Diddy: **Nay, I am sure it is, Cloud.

Thou seest the world, Cloud, how it goes.

Our enemies have beat us to the pit.

_Faint sounds of battle._

**Diddy: **It is more worthy to leap in ourselves

Than tarry till they push us. Good Cloud,

Thou know'st that we two went to school together.

Even for that our love of old, I prithee,

Hold thou my sword hilts, whilst I run on it.

**WK: **That's not an office for a friend, my lord.

_Continued sounds of battle._

**BrK: **Fly, fly, my lord. There is no tarrying here.

**Diddy: **Farewell to you.—And you.—And you, Cloud.

—Timber, thou hast been all this while asleep.

Farewell to thee too, Timber.—Countrymen,

My heart doth joy that yet in all my life

I found no man but he was true to me.

I shall have glory by this losing day

More than Swanky and Funky

By this vile conquest shall attain unto.

So fare you well at once, for Diddy's tongue

Hath almost ended his life's history.

Night hangs upon mine eyes. My bones would rest,

That have but labored to attain this hour.

_Sounds of battle. Offstage, someone cries, "Run, run, run!"_

**BrK: **Fly, my lord, fly.

**Diddy: **Hence. I will follow.

Brown Kremling, Blue Kremling, and White Kremling exit.

**Diddy: **I prithee, Timber, stay thou by thy lord.

Thou art a fellow of a good respect.

Thy life hath had some smatch of honor in it.

Hold then my sword and turn away thy face

While I do run upon it. Wilt thou, Timber?

**Timber: **Give me your hand first.

_**(holds Diddy's sword)**_ Fare you well, my lord.

**Diddy: **Farewell, good Timber.

_**(runs on his sword)**_ DK, now be still.

I killed not thee with half so good a will.

_**(dies)**_

_Sounds of battle. Trumpets sound a retreat. Swanky, Funky, Tiny, and Kritter enter with the army._

**Swanky: **What man is that?

**Tiny: **My master's man.—Timber, where is thy master?

**Timber: **Free from the bondage you are in, Tiny.

The conquerors can but make a fire of him.

For Diddy only overcame himself,

And no man else hath honor by his death.

**Kritter: **So Diddy should be found.—I thank thee, Diddy,

That thou hast proved Kritter's saying true.

**Swanky: **All that served Diddy, I will entertain them.

—Fellow, wilt thou bestow thy time with me?

**Timber: **Ay, if Tiny will prefer me to you.

**Swanky: **Do so, good Tiny.

**Tiny: **How died my master, Timber?

**Timber: **I held the sword and he did run on it.

**Tiny: **Swanky, then take him to follow thee,

That did the latest service to my master.

**Funky: **This was the noblest Roman of them all.

All the conspirators save only he

Did that they did in envy of great DK.

He only in a general honest thought

And common good to all, made one of them.

His life was gentle, and the elements

So mixed in him that Nature might stand up

And say to all the world, "This was a man."

**Swanky: **According to his virtue let us use him,

With all respect and rites of burial.

Within my tent his bones tonight shall lie

Most like a soldier, ordered honorably.

So call the field to rest, and let's away

To part the glories of this happy day.

_Everyone exits._


End file.
